Torn Apart
	
     Dad and Mom were deeply in love.  Many couples, today, love each other for a while.  However, their love is like a sparkler, glowing brilliantly for a brief period of time and then fizzling out.  Then come the divorce.  That's how all my relationships worked out, but Dad and Mom were true to each other till the day she died.  He never remarried.
     I still recall the day at the cemetery, when Mom was buried.  A soft rain was falling and a light breeze was blowing.  The priest was standing over the grave in his black robe.  He said his bit, made the sign of the cross, and Mom was lowered into the ground.  Dad held me close to him under his umbrella.  Then I looked up at his face and saw tears streaming down.  That was the only time I had ever seen him cry.  It was then that I knew I would always love him, in spite of his faults.
     His worse fault is that he is a bigot.  I guess he became that way because of his upbringing.  His father was a descendent of Confederate Mississipians. His father had worked in a box factory and Dad had worked in a tire plant. Dad had followed in his father's footsteps in so many ways. The racism of his father had been ingrained in my Dad.   Therefore, I knew, I was in for trouble when I decided to marry a black woman.
     She and I had been going together for three months. I hadn't told Dad about her though.  I knew is would make him explode.  Besides I was a grown man. It was my business whom I dated. I remember when the trouble started.  Dad and I were watching the news on the old Zenith in the living room. The Democratic candidate for president, Bill Clinton, was on t.v. giving a talk to B'nai Brith in New York.  The rabbi stood at the podium after Clinton spoke about the need for a new aid package for Israel.  Dad's face turned red as a beet as he listened.  He said,"The only mistake Hitler made was that he didn't get enough of them!"
     I got up and began walking toward the kitchen.  Dad said,"Where are you going?  Stay here.  I want to talk with you."
     I stood, hovering over him fidgeting.  Then Dad began one of his famous monologues.  He said,"Son, a college education doesn't cut it in this world.  You need common sense.  Book sense alone won't get you anywhere in this world."
     I sat back down, sinking into the plush cushions of the couch,  and resigned myself to hearing him out.  He leaned over in his chair and looked me straight in the eyes.  He said,"Son, I didn't even graduate high school, but I had college graduates working under me.  I've seen college kids I wouldn't hire for any job.  Half of them are educated fools."
     I looked down, took a deep breath, and acknowledged his points with pithy, pained replies,"I know Dad."
     Dad reached over to the coffee table, grasped the remote control, and turned off the t.v.  He went on,"Son, you've had how many jobs?  I've lost count.  Now you're forty five years old and going back to school.  That's good, but go to the University of Southern Mississippi.  Don't go to Tulane. They're nothing but a bunch of wackos in New Orleans. They're all Jews and liberals.  You'll just get into trouble."
     I sighed and lay back, sinking into the couch.  I laid my hand across each other on my lap.  We were silent for a moment and Dad appeared as if he were about to say something.  I broke the silence saying,"I know how you feel about it Dad, but I'm going anyway."
     Dad said,"Go then.  I've got nothing else to say."
     Dad aimed the remote control and flipped the tv back on. Dad said over the noise of the t.v.,"You're nothing but a crazy knee jerk bleeding heart liberal."
     I yawned and muttered so softly he couldn't hear,"And proud of it."
     Dad looked up and grasped the remote control once more.  He tried to turn the television off, but didn't have much luck.  He got flustered, aiming and pressing, and grimacing.  Finally the tv went off.   He turned around in his chair again, and said in a soft empathetic tone,"Son, that wasn't all I wanted to talk to you about. Don't get married again.  You saw what happened all the other times.  They'll just take you for all you've got and leave you high and dry."
     I looked away from him at the blank television screen and said, changing the subject,"Dad, I'll make my own decisions, thank you."
     He said,"All right, all right.  Go right ahead.  Get married again.  But don't come running back to me with your tail between your legs when she leaves you."
     Dad angrily pointed the remote control like a weapon and flicked the tv back on.   As we sat watching the tv there was a report on the riots in South Central LA.
     I cleared my throat twice and said,"Dad."
     He looked at me curling his lips and said,"What is it son?  I'm trying to watch the news."
     I asked,"What would you do if I married a black girl?"
     He bellowed,"What kind of a crazy question is that?  I'd kick your tail right out of this house.  That's what I'd do."
     I frowned and said,"Oh, I was just wondering."
     We were silent a moment as the tv droned on.  I said,"Dad."
     In consternation he exclaimed,"What is it son?  I'm trying to watch the news!"
     I said,"Dad I'm dating a black girl."
     He grabbed the remote and swiftly clicked the tv off.  He asked,"What did you say son?"
     I repeated,"I'm dating a black girl."
     He shook his head angrily and yelled,"What.. The hell...?"
     I said,"Dad her name is Valerie and she's a sophomore at Tulane.  She deserves some respect from you.  She's the girl I'm going to marry."
     He clenched his fists and said,"I don't give a damn if she goes to Harvard.  You said, she's a sophomore.  How old is she?"
     I said,"twenty five, but..."
     He interrupted me retorting,"You're old enough to be her father!"
     I replied softly,"Dad, age doesn't matter if you love someone."
     He said,"The hell it doesn't.  I wash my hands of you.  I'm disowning you as of now.  Go stay with her.  I won't put up with your crap anymore, but mark my word, you'll end up divorced and on my steps in less than a month.  That is if you don't give me a stroke."
     I got off the couch and said,"I gotta go Dad."  
     I called Valerie and meekly asked,"Can I stay at your place tonight?"
     She took a deep breath and asked,"Your father?"
     I said,"Yes, I told him."
     She said,"Come on over."
     As I walked through the living room on my way out the door I told Dad,"I'll pick up my things tomorrow."
     Dad looked down at the floor from the throne of his recliner and said,"I don't give a damn what you do."
     I drove through the rainy street.  It was dark.  I turned the headlights on and they made a halo in the mist rising from the hot pavement.  Steam formed on my window shield.  I turned on the defrost.  The paper mill, closed now, loomed huge and dark, as I passed down the fog bound forest road.
     I thought about the first day I met Valerie.  We met in line for a movie at the mall in Natchez.  We didn't even watch the movie.  We went to a nearby Chinese restaurant. 
     I remember our conversation like it was yesterday.  We sat at the table and ordered.  While waiting for the food Valerie said,"I don't know anything about you.  Tell me about yourself."
     I said,"Oh that would bore you."
     She stared directly into my eyes, disarming my resistence with her smile as her eyes seemed to peer into my soul.  She said,"I want to know everything about you."
     I said,"All right.  You want me to reveal everything?"
     She looked at me with her glittering eyes like laser beams aimed at my heart, and said,"I want you to bare your soul to me."
     I began,"I dropped out of college after the first year.  I joined a commune.  I was married."
     She looked at me hungry to know more.  She asked,"What was your wife like?"
     I said,"She was a free spirit.  I couldn't tame her.  I didn't even try too.  We were both in love with the idea of being in love.  We were too young to know the meaning of love."
     Valerie had a very serious look on her face.  She asked,"If you had it to over again would you have married her?"
     I said,"You remind me of her?"
     Valerie asked,"Does that scare you?"
     I smiled and said,"Maybe a little."
     Valerie said,"I don't use people. I'm not the type."
     I looked at her and said,"You remind me of why I fell in love with her in the first place.  You make me feel alive in a way I haven't felt since I was dating her."
     Valerie said,"I never could commit to anyone either.  I never stayed with a man for more than a month."
     We were silent for a moment.  She spoke up piercing the quiet and said,"I don't believe in marriage.  Do you?"
     I smiled and said,"I think it can work."
     She smiled sipping the tea the waiter had brought.  She said,"You're optimistic.  I like that."
     I said,"If I weren't optimistic, I wouldn't make it through the day."
     She said,"Maybe some of that optimism will rub off on me, if we stay together long enough, that is if I like you.  Do you like me so far?  Am I better than the other girls you've been with?"
     I blushed saying,"Well, we've been together for four hours and we haven't had an argument.  That's progress."
     She squinted at me asking,"Does that mean you like me?"
     I said,"I would have to answer that with an unqualified yes."
     She said,"Oh I like you."
     My mind came back to the present momentarily.  I tightly gripped the steering wheel of the car clenching my hands around it out of desperation.  The light rain had dissipated, but the fog out side was thick.  I could see the glowing of the car lights as I plowed down the foggy road.  I was desperate to get to Valerie's as quickly as possible.  My heart beat furiously and sweat poured down my forehead.  I wondered what would happen to us now.  For so long we had pretended like love was all that mattered.  
     I arrived at Valerie's house and walked through the cold wet mist up to her doorstep.  She looked out through her Venetian blinds and opened the door for me.  I walked in covered in sweat and walked into the bedroom where Valerie was sitting. on the bed.  My  breathing was fast and ragged as I sat next to her.  I said,"Honey, don't worry about Dad.  I love you and we can make it with or without his approval."
     Valerie sat next to me and said,"Honey, I love you too, but we need to think about this.  This relationship is getting so complicated.  I need some time to think."
     I said,"I understand.  There's no need to rush."
     She kissed me lightly on the forehead and said,"Honey, I just want what's best for both of us."
     I said,"Valerie, if he treats you with anything less than the dignity and respect that you deserve, I'll never talk to him again."
     Valerie said,"I wouldn't want that."  She was so selfless.  I felt more in love with her than ever.  She lay against me caressing my shoulders and chest.  I fell asleep.  
     I slept late into the next morning.  When I woke up sunlight was streaming through Valerie's Venetian blinds.  I was laying next to Valerie and her arm was laying across my bare chest.  I gently lifted her arm off my chest careful not to wake her.  I left her a note telling her I didn't want to drag her into this situation, that I loved her so much that I couldn't bear to see her suffer.
     I drove back to Dads.  As I walked into the door Dad was waiting in his recliner.  Before I could get a word in edgewise he said,"You're mother would turn in her grave if she knew what you were doing."
     I glared at him saying,"Dad, I'm not going to marry Valerie.  I am also leaving here.  I can't stand it anymore.  I guess this is it Dad.  I don't expect I'll ever see you again."
     Dad smiled and said,"Oh come on son. She was one of those educated women. They're too liberated. She wouldn't have been satisfied being your wife.  She would have just divorced you like all the others."
     I said,"Dad, we have nothing more to say to each other.  I'm going to start a new life for myself out west.  I'm going to marry any woman I want to, black, yellow, red, Jewish, whatever.  You have no more say in my life anymore.  I don't want you to be a part of my life."
     Dad looked sad and then suddenly angry.  He yelled,"You're brains are fried from all those drugs you took in the sixties.  You're a draft dodger and a fool.  You never could do the right thing!"
     I walked into my bedroom.  I looked down at the single bed I had slept in since I was a kid so many years ago.  On the wall were my trophies from swimming and track.  Dad had been so proud of me when I got them.  On the bed stand was a picture of my mother. I picked it up and looked at it.  Dad walked in and stood looking at me.  He whispered,"You're serious aren't you son?"
     I said,"Dead serious."
     He said,"Well, I guess you should be on your own. I'm too old to have you hanging around here.  Just remember I love you no matter where you go."  I said,"Sometimes love isn't enough", and walked out carrying my duffle bag.
     As I drove south down Highway 61 towards New Orleans,  Dad's words,"You never could to the right thing,"echoed through my mind. My mind drifted back to when I had joined to coast guard so that I wouldn't have to go fight in Vietnam.  The first day of basic training we were all standing in formation on the parade ground.  The drill Sargent inspected our uniforms and my belt buckle wasn't aligned right.
     The drill Sargent yelled,"Get down puke and give me fifty."
     I got down and did pushups till my arms got weak and I couldn't do anymore.
     The drill Sargent yelled,"Keep going puke."
     I stood up and said,"I quit."
     The drill Sargent stuck out his chest and bellowed,"You can't quit the United States Coast Guard."
     I walked away.  Later I faked insanity by walking around completely naked.  The psychiatrist tested me, asking me all sorts of absurd questions, like,"Do you dream in color or black and white?" Finally they gave up and I got my section eight.
     I was overjoyed, but Dad wasn't.  I had given up.  I just couldn't hack it.  I had been running away from responsibility for most of my life. 
     I passed over the causeway across the western side of Lake Ponchatrain. I looked out at the lake stretching out in greenish blue water to the distant horizon.  Sailboats skimmed  across the surface of the effervescent water leaving patterns of white lines across the blue with their  frothy wake.  The marshes to my right  were interlaced with pools sparkling in the late afternoon sunlight. An airliner swooped out of the clear blue sky so high above, and beyond the pain and suffering of earthly life.
     Night fell  as  I descended the causeway into the urban sprawl of New Orleans.   As I passed the International airport, my car shook as a jet plane took off flying out over the sea of lights of Kenner.  I wondered where I was going and why.  I felt as though I were once more adrift on the ocean of life.  I had come so close to finding my place in the universe with Valerie.  Soon the lit up skyscrapers of New Orleans  appeared looming out of the blackness. By then I was on the expressway approaching the Mississippi River bridge, with cars whizzing by me.  A guy in a corvette, sped around me and pulled in front of me.  He began weaving in and out of the cars ahead of me on the overhead expressway.  My mind drifted back to Valerie, her smile, her warm touch on my fevered brow.  I felt as though I was adrift being carried farther and farther out to sea.  I passed through the cities, kaleidoscope of lights and traffic.  I felt very small, like a tiny fish in an immense ocean.  I felt carried along by the current, powerless to change direction.  This powerless feeling made me feel as though I were suffocating.  At that moment I knew that I was running, as I had been most of my life.  I exited off the interstate and turned around.  I drove through the darkness and felt something come together within my mind.  It was as though all my life were focused on this point in time.  All the events which had happened were preparing me for the next step.  It was as though I had been lost at sea only to see the light house shining in darkness guiding me to shore.  By then the stars were out and the  cool  air flowed through the vents in my car.  My heart pumped with excitement at my new found resolution.  The miles un- wound as though in a beautiful dream. In this dream I emerge from the stream of events leading from the past into an  undetermined future in which freedom from purposelessness becomes my salvation.   Now I am free to choose my own direction.   I am following  a path to a  wholly unexpected place, full of miraculous surprises.   I arrived back at Valeries late at night and she greeted me with hugs and kisses.  She said,"I was worried about you."  I kissed her and said,"Don't worry.  I won't leave you again.  I thought I was leaving for you, but really I just didn't want to face the truth."
     Valerie led me to the bed.  She said,"I want you to make love to me."
      The next morning we took a trip  together to the gulf coast..
      We drove through the countryside of Mississippi toward the gulf.  There were pine forest, streams, rolling hills, and small dairy farms with cows grazing peacefully in the pastures.  Wispy cirrus clouds sailed overhead in the deep blue sky.  I opened my window and the sweet smell of pine wafted across my nose.  The wind was cool and refreshing.
     The morning passed into afternoon and we arrived in Gulfport, driving down the coast road past the little beachwear shops and fast food restaurants.  We parked alongside the beach. Then we walked between the dunes covered in sea oats. The sand burned the soles of my feet.  A salty breeze blew across my face.  There were gentle waves crashing on the beach.  The sea horizon was a level geometers line, so peaceful to gaze at.  The scene looking out over the Mississippi sound was beautiful.  I could see Ship Island, a tiny speck on the horizon.  It was a beautiful place to escape from my problems for a while.
     We lay on our beach towels listening to the waves lap the sand. The warm sun on our bare skin seduced us into a blissful reverie.  This afternoon Valerie seemed so peaceful.  She looked at me and we kissed.  I felt tremors go down my spine from the touch of her warm wet lips on mine.  She looked so beautiful, with her dark slender legs curled.  I felt as though I had been transported to some utopian world far beyond fear or pain.
     Valerie sat up, and pulled her knees to her chest, resting her chin on them, and wrapping her arms around her folded legs.  She looked at me wistfully.  She said,"Remember when we first met three months ago."
     I looked at her smiling.  I said,"We were standing in line for the Spike Lee movie.  You told me you hated standing in line.  I said I did too.  We talked for a while.  Then I said,'Why don't we get out of here and get something to eat?"
     She rubbed some suntan lotion on her muscular shoulders and I reached over and massaged her back.  She said,"Mmmm..."  She said,"We went to that Chinese place."
     I said,"Yea, and you ordered that vegetarian chop suey."
     She told me,"Please go lower."  I reached down and massaged the small of her back.  She lay down on her stomach and I ran my hand up and down her thighs, and hips massaging her.  She closed her eyes and sighed.  She said,"Yea, and you ordered that pork stuff.  What was that?"
     "Sweet and sour," I said, as I ran my fingers up and down her spine reaching down her sacrum.  I went on,"I asked you if you were a vegetarian.  You said,'Yea.'  I was thinking,'Oh God, I hope she's not one of those new age health food freaks.'"
     Valerie stretched her back and I reached under her sides and caressed her stomach.  She said,"I remember you were wearing a tie dye shirt.  I was thinking,'Lord, he must be a hippie from the sixties. I hope he's not into drugs.'"
     I asked her,"What attracts you to me?"
     She turned over on her side and placed her hand on my breast.  She giggled and said,"What a silly question. I believe in you.  You're going to get your life together."
     I touched her cheek and grazed her lips with the tip of my index finger.  I said,"Sometimes I think I don't deserve you.  You know about my father, being a bigot.  Why do you stay with me?"
     She kissed me and said,"I've never found a man I could share my feelings with like you.  All the men I knew were too macho and uncomfortable with their masculinity.  You're different.  You're not afraid to bare your soul with me.  On our first day together I could see that you don't build walls around your self.  I feel I can share a deeper level of intimacy with you than I have with anyone ever.  I feel closer to you than I have ever felt toward anyone.  We are soulmates darling."
     Valerie and I walked back to the car.  After we got in and I started the car, the air conditioner blew cool and refreshing.  I said, to Valerie,"Let's get this weekend."
     She laughed and said,"Why the rush honey?"
     I drove the car out onto the road and said,"I want to."
     She asked,"Are you sure it's not too soon."
     I said,"I've never been more sure of anything in my life."
     She said,"All right let's do it."
     When we got back to the hotel  I called Dad and invited him to the wedding.  He said,"I'm watching  football games this weekend."
     I said,"Dad, remember Mom.  Remember how much she meant to you.  Well, Valerie means that much too me.  It would really mean something to me if you came."
     Dad said,"I'll think about it."
     The next day we made the journey back to Natchez.
     That weekend Valerie and I went to the justice of the peace.
     Dad came in right before Valerie and I said,"I do."
     After the wedding I walked over to Dad.  He looked tired and his eyes were red.
     Dad said,"So you've done it."
     I said,"Yes."
     Dad said,"You know it was a mistake."
     I said,"No Dad.  I did the right thing."
     Dad said,"I don't like it."
     I said,"You don't have to."
     Dad said,"Don't expect me to baby sit the children."
     I said,"I won't ask and Dad, thank you for coming."
     I hugged him and looked down at his face. For the first time since Mom's burial I saw tears in his eyes. I asked him,"Dad, why are you crying?"
     He looked up at me trembling with blood streaked eyes.  He said,"Every parent has a right to cry at their child's wedding."
    
 



	Improvisation on a Blue Note		
	
      Being old isn't all bad. My life is a lot more peaceful now. Seems like I mellowed out a lot in the last few years.  I haven't been with a woman since Beth. Life is less complicated now that I live alone. Those emotional entanglements can wear on your nerves.  But then there's the loneliness. It wouldn't be so bad if I got out more. But with my bad knee I don't get around as much as I used too. I got more aches and pains your average geriatric. But I can't complain. At least I got a roof over my head. Beth would be proud of me for standing up so well.  But on nights like these she haunts me.  I never was very emotional but I feel so alone without her.  I never knew how much I needed her till she was gone.  Funny how we take people for granted, like they're immortal or something.  I'm not superstitious but sometimes I could swear I feel her presence in the room. I guess I must be losing my marbles. But she was all I ever had in life. Now time is marked by moments of quiet desperation.  It's frightening how quickly time moves on. Sometimes I replay the memories like an old movie reel in my mind. The images are fleeting but so poignant.  I savor the memories like fine wine; the sweet taste of her mouth, her alluring scent, the seductive  smoldering of her dark eyes, the feel of her silky fingers caressing my face.  The film rolls on in my minds eye  till I'm entranced in cinematic visions of the past.   Tonight's feature presentation is the beginning when we first embarked on our journey together.
      I was sittin in the back of the restaurant, out of range of prying eyes when  the waitress gave me a sidelong glance. She was looking mighty worried. My week old beard and scraggly hair made me look like a bum. But I didn't care. I hadn't cared for twenty years, ever since she left me.  One night I came home.  She and the kids weren't there. It didn't take me but a moment to get beyond the delusion that they were out to the movies or visiting cousin Betty. I knew at that moment the course my life would take as sure as I knew the morning would come. I didn't think I'd stay there at the restaurant. It didn't feel comfortable. Nowhere felt comfortable. Maybe I'd hang out at the apartment and watch some late night tv.
      I looked in the mirror. I saw a tired old man. But I didn't give a shit. Everyone gets old. So what if I had blood shot eyes with wrinkles and puffy cheeks. Hell I didn't look bad for a fifty five year old. It could have been be worse. I could have been strung out on coke or sipping my dinner from a paper sack.  I spent my days hanging out at the soup kitchen. I saw the same old faces. It felt good to get out and get a change of scenery. Man what I wouldn't have given to have a few bucks in my pocket though. I hadn't been to a movie in ages. Mostly I watched reruns on tv and  listened to the radio news till I fell asleep. It was the same tired old world with different players. The game hadn't changed that much. I hadn't really changed that much, just gotten a little older, not smarter though. Well you've heard enough of my bull for one night. Think I'll turn in.
     If you see Sammy tell her I still got her photograph. Naw, just tell her I never mention her
 anymore. Lies can make life easier sometimes. I'd vowed never to get involved with a woman again. Some one was knocking at the door. I thought  it was Beth. She had tried to off herself the other night. I sat up with her all night. She was  starting to scream. My God, I thought,  sounds like she's gonna pound the door down.  I heard thunder outside. The wind was blowin something fierce! Gonna be one hell of a storm I thought.
     "Cut the crap, Beth!", I yelled through the door.
     "Bob, I gotta see ya. Please! I feel like shit."
     I stared right through the peep hole at her face. My God! She looked like one of those women that lived like an animal in the woods since childhood. What do they call those children? Feral children. Yea, I remembered, like in that movie with Jodie Foster. I had some education. I used to be a school teacher. But I never took it that seriously. When Sammy left, I got real depressed. They gave me an early retirement. Since then I had a phobia about working. I simply couldn't face people in a classroom, office, or anywhere else for that matter. Well back to Beth. I saw a wild look in her eyes. It was the same look I saw in that guys eyes that knifed me back in the merchant marines. I wasn't  lettin her in this room that's for sure. No tellin what she might do. 
     I watched her eyes like a hawk through the peep hole. They were blood streaked. I watched her for a few minutes. She just stood there pleading. "Please Bob, you can't leave me out here. I might kill myself if you don't let me in!"
    I stayed focused on her eyes. Her words just went in one ear and out the other. After a couple of minutes her eyes softened. I saw that warmth in them which had made me talk to her in the laundry room a couple of years ago. Man what I didn't know then! If I'd of known what a lunatic she was I wouldn't have come within ten feet of her. But she seemed sweet. She even looked alright. Not a beauty queen but nothing to turn your nose at.  I unlocked the deadbolt and slowly opened the door. She pushed the door with all her strength and came plunging in.  The first thing she did was fall on the sofa and throw off her slippers.
    I knelt beside her and stroked her wild hair. She trembled like a heroin addict gone cold turkey.  I looked into her eyes and saw real fear. She touched my face and whimpered,"Oh Bob, I need you so bad!"
    I said"I know baby. Baby, I know it's hard to face. But you gotta take your medicine. It don't mean your any worse than me or anyone else. But you need that. If you don't take it nobody can help you."
    She smiled. It looked strange to see such a distraught person laugh. She caressed my cheeks. She said,"Bob when are we gonna get married and settle down? You know you could go back to teaching. I could get a clerical job. We could make a go of it. We could make it you and me."
    I looked down at her with a sorrowful look. She screamed and her whole body tensed. She said,"Don't give me that look Bob!"
    I stroked her hair and then her face. She put her fingers to my lips and said,"SHHH, Bob, don't tell me we can't make it. Don't tell me that. I don't want to hear it! Nobody is going to take away my dreams. They're all I got left. You take that away from me and I'll fizzle and die."
    I just looked at her and said,"OK Beth.  I won't say anything. I gotta go get something to eat. It's late. You need some rest. You know I need my space. You sleep in the bedroom. I'll take the couch."
     Beth wept softly till 2:00 in the morning. I could hear her from the couch.  Man, I just didn't know what to do with her. She was getting to be a real liability. I lay on the couch watching a late night movie. They had Hitchcock's "The Birds." It took my mind off my problems. Everyone needs to do that. Fantasy is a necessity of life. Especially for people like me.  If I had to face cold hard reality every waking moment I'd be in the state Beth is in.
   Well finally the movie got to the gory climax. I shut it off and lay on the couch thinking all night. You'd think after this night with Beth, that's all I could think about. But naw, I reminisced about Sammy and the good times. I remembered our dating years and that trip out west. We camped  in the Rockies in late summer. I remember this one lake high up around Aspen. We'd lay out there in lawn chairs by the tent watching the wind blow across the lake. The air was so cool, I wish I could've brought some back to Louisiana.  Even though Sammy and I weren't touching, even though we were just sitting there quietly, I felt closer to her at that moment than I'd ever felt to another human being. But I had to remind myself that this was a sort of fantasy. Even though it really happened, now it was a fantasy. It was like one of those Greek myths. In the memory of the people who experienced the events, they took on a more magical than life quality. That's why it seemed with time all my memories became colored with that magical quality. The old times seemed to take on a glow. Sometimes it felt like those things never really happened. After she left me and all the hard feelings came, I couldn't imagine how I could have ever loved her. Ah well to hell with it. I day dreamed too much. I needed to focus on the here and now.
    Well there was this other human being in the bedroom to consider.  I did have feelings for her. Even though I considered her a liability, I cared.  It was just that I didn't know how to reach her. Sometimes I was afraid of her. Not so much that she'd physically hurt me or anything. Maybe I was  afraid that she'd  try to waken my sleeping emotions. I wanted my emotions to rest in peace. I'd had enough torment from them already. Like I said, I'm  a tired old man. I look a lot older than I am. I feel  a lot older than I am.  So what business did I have taking her in? Why should I be her care taker? Who appointed me? Certainly not God, because he and I weren't  on speaking terms.  I didn't think he'd presume to ask me to do anything for him. I used to pray all the time. But ever since my life had gone down the toilet I didn't ask God for anything. And I expected the same from him.
     Well the morning was coming. Oh man did I dread her waking up. What kind of a trip was she going to lay on me this time. She was  always talking that marriage crap. I thought she really must be crazy to think she could corner me into that trap! I would  no sooner have gotten married again than I would have cut off my fingers. So I wished she'd just forget about it. Every time she opened her mouth, the subject eventually came back to that. Maybe I should've  just moved out and not told anyone where I went, I thought. Sure she would've tried to track me down. But I'm pretty good at covering my tracks. I could've left town even. She wouldn't have  found  me in a million years.
     Well I could hear the bath tub faucet running. She must be getting freshened up, I thought. She can take two or three hours to get freshened up. Well, I might as well make us some breakfast, I thought.  I didn't have much food, but I wouldn't have felt right eating and not sharing it with her. As I said, I did care.  I went to the stove and fried up some eggs and bacon. Then I remembered she's Jewish and didn't eat pork. So I got double portions of bacon that morning. Thank you God for small favors, I thought. Whoops, I wasn't not supposed to be talking to you God. So just ignore that and go back to whatever you were doing.
     I had the spread laid out by the time she came out in my bathrobe.  She looked kinda cute  with her dimples and curly dark hair. She also looked like she'd chilled some. Well maybe it wouldn't be a bad morning after all.  She sat down and dove right into the eggs and grits. I watched her chew her food. She looked very contented. I felt happy just to see her back to normal, whatever that was for her.  I said,"Well good morning sweet heart. I can see that rest did you a world of good. You look brand new!"
    She smiled and took a sip of orange juice. She said,"Well honey, I took my lithium last night. I feel like a million bucks!"
    I looked up from the paper I was reading and said,"Well good for you!!!"
     I asked,"What made you decide to take it?"
     She said,"I did it for you. I knew we couldn't make it if I didn't" I felt the mouth of the trap closing around me again. This siren was so tempting. But I knew that was just another one of my fantasies, just like traveling to Europe or going back for my PHD. It wouldn't happen in a million years. Fantasies are so dangerous. I could end up married. She might drive me crazy. I might end up needing lithium with her hanging on me. All these worries came.
    I went back to reading my newspaper and she went back to eating. In the health and fitness section there was an article about how marriage improves a person's health. Married men live longer than bachelors. Just so much propaganda I thought.
     Beth got up and relined on the couch. One of her legs stuck out of her  robe and man did she look gorgeous. That beauty rest made her look like a queen. Even those lines in her face took on a beautiful quality. Even though she was about twenty pounds too heavy and had touches of grey  mixed in with her raven black hair she looked fantastic. I felt fear grip the pit of my stomach. Was I falling in love again? Couldn't be. I would never let that happen.
     I turned my eyes and looked at the television. It got kind of hypnotic looking at her laying on the couch. I could look all day. I  was already falling into a trance. I felt the warning signs. Maybe I was not quite in love, but I was certainly in the infatuation stage. If I could only pull out before it was too late.
    Beth looked at me from the couch. Those dark eyes seemed to radiate. I felt the pull of attraction. I walked over to her and sat on the floor beside her. I saw her foot dangling over the edge of the couch and reached out to grasp it. I began massaging the soles of her feet. She closed her eyes and smiled. My hand wandered up her calf and to her thigh.  She slipped off her robe. The rest was history.
     Afterward we lay in bed together. I watched her sleep. She had such a baby face laying there with her dimpled cheeks. She's was really cute. She got  up and we got dressed and went out.
    We went back to the restaurant I had been at the previous night. I ordered coffee. She ordered milk and danish. I still looked like a revolutionary guerilla from central America, with my unshaven face and shabby salvation army cloths.  Beth looked at me and asked,"Why don't you shave Bob? And why don't you get some decent cloths?"
    I held my coffee cup tensely. I said,"Baby what you see is what you get. I don't work. I don't go out to parties. What do I care what people think? It ain't like my job or anything else depends on it."
    Beth chewed on her danish. She said,"But honey don't you wanna look like somebody?  You act like you don't even care anymore. You wouldn't get those funny looks from people if you dressed half way decent."
    I said,"To hell with them. Half the time they ignore me anyway. I'm just myself. You can take me or leave me."
    Beth looked at me with her puppy dog eyes. She said,"Awww honey, I didn't mean to make you angry. I just care about you that's all."
    I said,"Well listen. Don't fall for me. I'm just a beaten up ole guy.  I don't have anything to offer you except some company once in a while.  And hey. Stop calling my honey for God's sake. I ain't your honey. I'm just a stranger you met in the laundry room who's good for a few meals every now and then, nothing more."
   Beth began weeping again. I asked,"Beth did you take your medicine this morning? Are you having another episode?"
    Beth said,"Oh you're such a pompous ass! You think any sign of emotion in me is part of my illness. Well let me tell you something mister, I'm just a human being. You are too. If you'd let yourself feel once in a while maybe the world would treat you better. You're always bitchin about the way the cashier treats you or the lady down the hall. Have you ever in your life considered that if you softened up a little people would be nicer to you?"
    I was flabbergasted. I looked at her and said,"Beth, I know what you're saying. I understand, really I do. But I'm too old to change. If I tried to change now, I'd end up more messed up than I already am. You gotta understand."
    Beth got up from the table. She said,"Oh I understand well enough. You're just afraid. A big tough man like you afraid of little ole me. Afraid, I might make you feel something. Well, mister, I don't need this crap. When you decide to let me into your heart give me a ring. I can do without your macho bullshit. You know something. You're really a wimp. You act all tough and self assured but deep down you're just a frightened little boy. It's time to grow up Bobby boy. Women aren't out to de-ball you. I'm not the weak one. You are!"
    She got up and huffed out of the restaurant. People were staring at me. I decided to split that joint pronto.  I paid the waitress and she looked down at me with a look of disgust. I looked down ashamed of the scene we'd made and skulked outta there in a hurry.
    I walked  to the park and sat down on the grass by the pond watching a little girl and her mother feeding the ducks. That little girl looked so carefree. I wished I could crawl into hole and stay there for a long time. I remembered feeding the ducks with my father back in the days of yore. That was a long time ago. The little girl looked over at me. I smiled at her. First time I'd smiled at anyone in a long time. She ran up to me laughing. I made a funny face and she laughed some more. Her mother called her and she ran back to her. I felt a little buzz. I couldn't explain why. After all I hadn't played with a kid, well since Sammy. I thought I didn't care about kids anymore. Sure I used to teach them. But that was just a job. Or so I thought. Actually now that I recall I did used to feel something for those kids I taught. I'd just forgotten.
    But no use dredging up old memories I thought.  And then there were Joey and Suzy, my son and daughter with Sammy. Suddenly I felt a flood of love for them. This feeling was so powerful I couldn't control it. I began weeping. I wondered if I was getting sick like Beth.  But it didn't entirely feel bad. In fact there was something comforting in these emotions coming from somewhere I couldn't place. The little girl and her mother had long since gone. So once again I was alone by the pond, with only the ducks to keep me company. I missed Beth. I wished she were here with me. But I figured I had blown it with her.  I had about as much chance of getting her back as I had of winning the lottery.  But even with the lottery someone has to win. So why didn't I  take a shot. After all it couldn't hurt trying.
    I walked down the city streets and saw some high school kids shooting hoops behind a fence. I walked into the basketball court asked one of them wearing a bandana if  I could shoot once.  He said,"Yea sure mister. Why not."
    I took the basketball from him and shot and missed. One of the kids threw the ball back to me. This time I shot it right through the hoop. I hadn't lost it completely. I could still shot a hoop from twenty feet. Not bad for an old worn out man I thought.  I handed the kid back the ball and he gave me a high five. I said,"Thanks man."  He said,"Anytime."
     I walked down by the drug store and went in and bought some razors and shaving cream. The cashier girl said,"You having a good day." 
     I said,"Couldn't be better. How about yourself?" 
     She said,"Oh it's goin alright. My cars in the shop, but nothing serious, just a bad spark plug. So I guess you could say life's treating me good."  
     I smiled said,"So when do you get your car back?" 
     She said,"Oh probably tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it. I'm taking my boyfriend out this weekend and need the car."  
     I smiled and said,"So you're taking him out. That's great. I bet your looking forward to that." 
     She said,"Oh yea, we're going to see that new Julia Roberts movie. Then we're going to dinner."  
     "Well that's sweet of him to take you to dinner. You two have a great time." She smiled and handed me the bag. 
      As I turned to go she said,"Thanks, bye."
      I hadn't been that friendly to a cashier in years. It felt refreshing. I felt like I had a new lease on life.  I walked down the street whistling. When I got back I knocked on Beth's door. No answer. Oh shit! Maybe I wouldn't get a second chance. Maybe she'd skipped out. My imagination went wild imagining what could have happened to her. But my good sense told me she was probably just out. I went back to my apartment and caught the five o'clock news. There were supposed to be some more storms heading our way. Big ones. I hoped Beth didn't get caught in one. When she was on one of her mood swings, she got lost sometimes. I've had to come get her out of stores with the manager pissed off because she was weirding out the customers. Seeing how she was at lunch there was no telling what condition she was in. I prayed to God. she wasn't freaking out somewhere, maybe in jail.  I thought, maybe the occasional prayer wouldn't hurt. After all I had a good day. Maybe God helped out even if I didn't thank him. Maybe I could cut a deal with God. If I started caring more maybe he'd cut me a little slack in the trials and tribulations department.  As they say God helps those who help themselves. Well, I'm not really very religious. Not even sure God exists. But sometimes I get a funny feeling someone is watching me even when I'm alone. Call it my guardian angel or whatever. Probably just my over active imagination. But who knows. I'll leave that to the philosophers.
    I watched Anne Bancroft in "The Miracle Worker."  Hadn't seen that one in years.  They don't make em like that anymore. I felt like an antique myself. But that wasn't entirely bad. After all antiques increase in value as they get older. So maybe I did have something to offer Beth. Maybe she didn't see me as an old wreck but as a fine old wine. That's the way I was beginning to feel about her. Even her baggy eyes looked cute, but her heart was more beautiful than a rainbow. I could still see the little girl in her when she smiled. Well now I was hooked on her. There was no going back.  Maybe what I thought of as a trap was really a door. I could see that now. But I was getting anxious. It was getting on midnight and she wasn't back. I'd knocked on her door dozens of times.  Usually I'd have at least gotten a call from the police to come get her by now.  Oh Jesus, maybe I've lost her for good this time, I thought. If only I would have accepted her offer long ago. Why couldn't I see the light? Was I an emotional deaf mute?
     Suddenly I heard a knock on the door. I looked through the peep hole and saw Beth standing there in her night gown. I opened the door. I said,"Christ, where have you been. I was worried sick. I was about to report you missing to the police."
     Beth said,"Oh I was home all the time. I just wanted to see how persistent you'd be. I expected you'd give up after an hour or so. But you proved me wrong. So what's the deal? I thought we'd said everything that needed to be said earlier?  Why'd you come knocking on my door?"
      I said,"Please come on in. Sit down. I've got to tell you something."
      Beth relined on the couch in her usual position. She brushed the hair out of her eyes and yawned.  I said,"Beth, baby, when you walked out of that restaurant, I felt like I'd been punched in the gut."
   Beth squinted at me and wrinkled her brow. I went on,"Beth, I'm not good with words. But what I'm trying to say is I'm lost without you. All this time I thought I was supporting you. But in reality I need you just as much as you need me. Every time you come knocking on my door my heart beats a mile a minute. I never understood why until now. It's because I love you baby. I thought I didn't need your love, but it's plain to see I do. When I couldn't find you tonight I panicked. I thought I'd lost you forever. But you came back, you always do. Even when you go into one of your episodes you always come back.  It don't matter if you're Jewish and I'm Gentile. It don't matter if I'm old and worn out. We need to set up shop together."
     Beth said,"You mean for life."
     I knelt beside her and took her hand. I said,"You better believe it."
     Beth said,"Bob, you're such a romantic. Now if I can only get you to wash dishes for me and cook."
      I said,"Oh baby, it'll come with time."  She looked at me like she knew better. We kissed. It was sweeter than a lollipop. 
     The years unfolded in a surreal procession. Dreams and hurts came and went like the hurricanes which ravaged our city.  Faces long familiar were forgotten. The Ghosts of my former life still haunted me. But as seasons passed, memories which used to be laced with pain, became faded and  even pleasant.  Beth lived many years and we weathered many ups and downs. 
   Once Beth asked me,"How do you put up with me being so crazy all the time?"
   I volleyed,"I'm not the sanest person either. How do you put up with a nutty old guy like me?"
   Beth said,"I've thought about trading you in for a newer model, but then I figure they don't make them like they used too." Beth always was a joker.  I sure could use one of her one liners right now.  Sometimes at night,  I remember the last time we made love. Then I feel a physical craving for her which hurts so bad tears flow.  Man, I'd give anything to feel her warm body against me in bed.  Sometimes I take out one of her  dresses and rub the fabric against my skin at night. I never washed them after she died. I could swear I can still smell her scent in the fabric. Her picture is yellowed and frayed around the edges. You can see the spark of gumption in her eyes. My girl had moxie.  I pick it up off the night stand and kiss it.  "Goodbye love." I'm not a religious man but somehow I know we'll meet again.


	Descending

     I wished I could tell him how all things in nature are related, how we are all part of a larger pattern which is infinite.  I wanted him to experience the ecstasy of a love which transcended the material world and encompassed multitudes of worlds.  I wanted him to know how sacred every drop of rain, every blade of grass, every leaf on every tree was.  If only he could see the world immersed in the warm light of heavenly love, as I saw it.
     I tried to tell him these things and many more.  He immediately sent me to a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with schizoaffective disorder.   The doctor told me that my spiritual experiences, which I knew were real, were the result of a chemical disorder of the brain.  I took the medicine he gave me, but felt dead inside.  The light which used to suffuse the world dimmed.  I felt like I was in a dark pit.  One night I flushed the medicine down the toilet.  I never took it again.
     All of this happened shortly after the death of our only daughter.  We had taken her to the Amite River for an afternoon picnic.  She wandered off while I was preparing lunch.  My husband was up at the restaurant talking to his friend Bill.  I assumed she was with him.  When she didn't come back for half and hour I got worried.  I ran up to the restaurant and found my husband alone with Bill.  The police came and searched the woods.  A day latter her body was discovered by a fisherman.
     It was the anniversary of her death and  my husband Jim took me to Arkansas for a vacation.  
He thought it would get my mind off her.  He thought her death was what had caused me to go bonkers.  But I knew that her death, had only precipitated something which had begun a long time ago.  I had always had a different way of looking at the world.  The death of Alexis only made my feelings more acute.  I experienced the joy and pain of life more deeply than most.  But this was not a curse.  I truly did feel a deep grief over my daughter's death.  However,  that despair and the terrible pain had shocked me into a different way of living.  I no longer took life for granted.  I knew that every moment was sacred.  Every breath was a blessing.  I had learned so much from Alexis in her short life.  She had taught me that the world was a place of beauty and light.  How could I fall apart when I knew that Alexis continued on in the flowers, rivers, and stars of the sky.  I felt my daughter's pattern of energy every time I saw a child playing in the park.  I knew that she was still a part of my life, even though her physical manifestation had dissolved.
      We were camping at a place called Iron Springs.  It was late spring and the mountains were blanketed in green coniferous trees.  We were camped beside a clear cold pool of water.  A small dam made of granite blocks created the pool.  I was immersed in the pool naked, feeling the cold water invigorate my tired body.  I looked across the sparkling stream, through the gap in the trees at the small mountain, covered in green trees, with the clear blue sky above, with wispy cirrus clouds floating lazily overhead.  It was late afternoon and the small canyon formed by mountains was covered in shadows.  I smelled a fire burning from one of the campers.  I looked at the old van where the family was staying.  The father was a tall man who wore suspenders and had thin brown hair.  The mother had short curly hair and wore a plain light blue dress.  The daughter usually wore short, and was beautiful with long blonde hair. She was a senior in high school.  The daughter, who's name was Jennifer, had become my companion.  She wasn't even shocked when she walked out on the dam in her bathing suit to sun bath and found me squatting naked in the water.  I looked down into the water and saw the hundreds of round polished rocks, layering the bottom of the pool.  I waved to her as she lay down on the dam.  She turned and waved back at me smiling.  She looked very much like I imagined Alexis would have looked had she lived to be a teenager.  I bounced across the rocks, half swimming half walking toward Jennifer.  Jennifer giggled as she looked down at me.  She said,"I saw a couple in a Lexus drive through and leave.  Anybody who drives that kind of car, must have an attitude.  I don't think they'd be happy here."
     I paddled my hand through the water as I lay back. I said,"Yea, I think they're better off back in the city with flush toilets and air conditioning."
     She smiled and lay her head on the rocks of the dam propping her feet up and looking up at the sky.  She lay there for over an hour and I watched the first stars emerge from the darkening sky.  A cool breeze began to blow from the mountains and she left.  I emerged from the water dripping and wrapped a towel around my shivering body.  I went back to the tent where Jim was.  He was boiling potatoes on our gas camp stove.  I sat on the picnic table by the stove and watched as he sat there.  It was almost completely dark by then.  He stood up from the table and lit the gas lantern hanging from the post.  Fire flies began to dance around us.  I cupped one in my hand and watched it blink on and off with its strange greenish yellow glowing tail.  I released it and watched it fly upward into the trees.  The wind was blowing colder by now.  Jim looked over at me and said,"Alice, why don't you put some clothes on?  It gets cold up here at night."
     I went in the tent and put on my long johns and jogging suit.  I walked out and Jim was ladling the potatoes out of the pot and putting them on plastic plates.  He seemed irritated but didn't seem to want to talk about it, so I didn't pressure him too.  He opened a can of sardines and put them on the plate by the potatoes.  We sat silently eating as cars from the highway passed by their headlights flickering through the trees.  After supper I sat by the spring looking at the path of moonlight across the rippling surface of the water.  I sat there by myself.  The other campers had gone to sleep.  I thought about the times we had come here when we were dating.  We would sit by the spring and tell ghost stories till late at night.  Now we seemed to distant. I imagined that if I lived on another planet I couldn't be further away from Jim than I was.  
    I went back to the tent and Jim was reading with a flash light.  I lay beside him, kissed him and said,"Penny for your thoughts."
    He looked up from his book and said,"I think we should go back to Hot Springs soon."
    I lay on my side looking at him and asked,"Why so soon?"
    He yawned and said,"I just think we need to get back to civilization.  I'm getting bored."
    He turned out the flashlight and fell asleep.  I watched him for an hour and then fell asleep myself.  
    I woke before dawn and sat out in front of the tent watching the sun rise over the mountains.  The sky became illuminated with morning light as I sat cross legged feeling the air around me grow warmer.  Mist rose from the pool, and rolled across the surface in cottony clouds.  I went in the tent and sat beside Jim.  I spoke to him as he slept.  I whispered,"Jim, please try to understand.  I'm not crazy.  There is a level of existence beyond sight, hearing, or touch.  There is a world of infinite beauty and wonder if you would only let yourself see it."
     He tossed and turned in his sleep.  I touched his cheek and he yawned opening his eyes.  He said,"Alice, were you talking to me?"
     I snuggled close to him and said,"Yes, I was speaking."
     He petted my hair and asked,"What were you trying to tell me?"
     I said,"I was trying to tell you what a beautiful morning it is and how you were missing it."
     He sat up saying,"Oh, well you know I'm a late sleeper."
     I kissed him again and said,"Well sleeper awake."
     Jim got up and began reading again.  I walked over to the van where the family from Iowa was preparing to leave.  Jennifer was out cleaning the dishes from their breakfast.  I walked up to her and said,"I'm going to miss you.  We've only been here three days but you made it so much fun."
     She said,"Oh, Ms. Thomas, you were fun to be with too.  I never met someone like you.  You're a beautiful person."
     I hugged Jennifer and kissed her on the cheek.  Then I walked through the quiet forest, down the path by the rocky stream.  Moss covered the rocks and I could smell the rich earthy smell from the wet earth.   I reached the small stone square from which the spring trickled.  It was so peaceful here.  I felt so close to the Goddess.  My daughter would have loved it I thought.  I could imagine her collecting rocks by the stream and playing in the water.  I knew that in her short life she had seen the light of God.  She was my moon child.   She had been born during a full moon.  I knew that she had special powers.  She could sense what people were feeling.  She seemed to know who to trust and who not to.  I thought she had a gift.  She knew when bad weather was coming before it came.  She would warn me.   
    I took off my shoes and waded in the stream by the spring.  There was a patch of mushrooms growing in the moss by the stream bank.  I knew something about mushrooms and knew they were edible.  I picked one and ate it.  I picked the rest to give to my husband.
    I carried them in my hands as I walked back down the trail to the tent.  Jim was sitting at the picnic table sipping coffee.  I put the mushrooms in a pile on the table by him.  He looked at them and held them in his hand.  He said,"Alice what are you doing with these?"
    I said,"They're edible and they're delicious.  Try one."
    Jim said,"Alice, how do you know they're edible?"
    I sat by him and said,"Oh come on honey, trust me."
    Jim poured his coffee out and said,"Alice I think it's about time we went home."
    I put my arm around him and said,"Jim, I miss you."
    Jim looked at me sadly and said,"Alice, I wish things were better.  I want so badly for you to get better.  Why won't you take your medicine?  You're so much better on your medicine."
    I took my arm from his waist and put my hands palm down on the rough wood of the picnic table.  I said,"Jim, I would rather be dead than take that medicine.  I know you don't understand.  I don't expect you too.  Please try to respect me and my right to choose."
    I looked at a squirrel as it scampered up a tree and hopped from branch to branch.  The sunlight was warm on my shoulders.  Jim looked at me, and said,"Alice, I think we should consider taking some time away from each other."
    I took a deep breath and said,"Jim, I want to make this work.  Please help me."
    A tear formed on Jim's face.  He said,"Alice I don't want to hurt you. But you've changed since Alexis died.  I don't feel I can reach you. You seem alien."
    His word cut me to the quick.  I couldn't imagine how I could seem alien to him.  We had been married for five years.  When we dated he spent hours talking to me and telling me stories.  I didn't know what to feel.  Part of me still loved him.  Part of me hated him.  He took my hand and said,"Alice I'm sorry.  You are really special.  I just don't know if I can help you anymore."
    I said,"Jim, please let me help you.  You are lost.  You dwell in darkness.  Please free yourself from your illusions.  The world is beautiful beyond the furtherest reaches of your imagination.  Allow yourself to feel the light which permeates all existence."
    Jim looked at me and shook his head.  He packed the car. And we drove across the mountains. I told him,"Jim, I don't want to be a burden to you.  If you need me to go I will."
    As we drove down the road, Jim was silent.  The road curved, dipped and ascended through mountains, past barns and stores.   Looked at him as he gazed ahead at the road.  I said,"Jim I know how much you miss Alexis.  Remember that afternoon by the Amite River.  The last afternoon she was with us?  She seemed so happy."
    Jim nodded.  I went on,"You know I really did feel pain when Alexis died. She gave me hope.  She was the one who taught me about the infinite beauty of the universe.  Every time she smiled I felt as though there was hope for a future.  She was my moon child.  She was special."
    Jim glanced at me.  He said,"You never told me this.  All you talked about was how beautiful the world was after she died.  It was as though it didn't mean anything to you.  You seemed dissociated from everything.  At the funeral I saw you smile."
    I sighed.  I said,"Oh Jim, you don't know how much I missed her.  There were times when I thought of dying myself so I could be with her.  But I knew I still had a purpose here on earth to show you the way.  Jim, just because I don't express sadness, doesn't mean she wasn't important to me.  It's just that, she taught me not to be sad.  Remember when her pet turtle died.  She smiled and said he was going to heaven."
    Jim glanced at me again and said,"Alice, Alexis wasn't a turtle.  She was my daughter.  I wanted to share my grief with you but you didn't seem to feel anything."
     I reached over and caressed Jim's scalp as we passed into Hot Springs.  I said,"Jim I know you love me.  I know you loved Alexis.  I love you as much as you loved Alexis.  You know I would have died for either of you."
     Suddenly I felt a deep welling of pain.  Images floated into my mind of Alexis by the river that last time jumping up into my arms.  I remembered how she tried to make brownies once, when I was on the phone, and I found her with her face covered in chocolate. I was so mad at her.  Sometimes I felt I hadn't really been a good mother to her.  I wished I could have a second chance.   I began to gently weep.  This was the first time I had felt such pain in a long time.  I whispered,"Jim, I know life can't be painless.  I want to understand you better.  I want to meet you half way."    Jim reached over and squeezed my hand.
    We were coming down a mountain slope and entering a fertile river valley.  The dark green alfalfa pastures on either side smelled of freshly mown hay.  I saw a horse galloping through a field.  For the first time in a long time I realized that you couldn't stay on the mountaintop forever.  We entered Hot Springs rejoining civilization.  I felt like a door had opened for me.  On the other side was a mysterious world which beckoned me like a liberation.    I could imagine Alexis giggling, her bright eyes sparkling in the moonlight in some celestial sphere.

	Cinema of the Soul
	
      Being old isn't all bad. My life is a lot more peaceful now. Seems like I mellowed out a lot in the last few years.  I haven't been with a woman since Beth. Life is less complicated now that I live alone. Those emotional entanglements can wear on your nerves.  But then there's the loneliness. It wouldn't be so bad if I got out more. But with my bad knee I don't get around as much as I used too. I got more aches and pains your average geriatric. But I can't complain. At least I got a roof over my head. Beth would be proud of me for standing up so well.  But on nights like these she haunts me.  I never was very emotional but I feel so alone without her.  I never knew how much I needed her till she was gone.  Funny how we take people for granted, like they're immortal or something.  I'm not superstitious but sometimes I could swear I feel her presence in the room. I guess I must be losing my marbles. But she was all I ever had in life. Now time is marked by moments of quiet desperation.  It's frightening how quickly time moves on. Sometimes I replay the memories like an old movie reel in my mind. The images are fleeting but so poignant.  I savor the memories like fine wine; the sweet taste of her mouth, her alluring scent, the seductive  smoldering of her dark eyes, the feel of her silky fingers caressing my face.  The film rolls on in my minds eye  till I'm entranced in cinematic visions of the past.   Tonight's feature presentation is the beginning when we first embarked on our journey together.
      I was sittin in the back of the restaurant, out of range of prying eyes when  the waitress gave me a sidelong glance. She was looking mighty worried. My week old beard and scraggly hair made me look like a bum. But I didn't care. I hadn't cared for twenty years, ever since she left me.  One night I came home.  She and the kids weren't there. It didn't take me but a moment to get beyond the delusion that they were out to the movies or visiting cousin Betty. I knew at that moment the course my life would take as sure as I knew the morning would come. I didn't think I'd stay there at the restaurant. It didn't feel comfortable. Nowhere felt comfortable. Maybe I'd hang out at the apartment and watch some late night tv.
      I looked in the mirror. I saw a tired old man. But I didn't give a shit. Everyone gets old. So what if I had blood shot eyes with wrinkles and puffy cheeks. Hell I didn't look bad for a fifty five year old. It could have been be worse. I could have been strung out on coke or sipping my dinner from a paper sack.  I spent my days hanging out at the soup kitchen. I saw the same old faces. It felt good to get out and get a change of scenery. Man what I wouldn't have given to have a few bucks in my pocket though. I hadn't been to a movie in ages. Mostly I watched reruns on tv and  listened to the radio news till I fell asleep. It was the same tired old world with different players. The game hadn't changed that much. I hadn't really changed that much, just gotten a little older, not smarter though. Well you've heard enough of my bull for one night. Think I'll turn in.
     If you see Sammy tell her I still got her photograph. Naw, just tell her I never mention her
 anymore. Lies can make life easier sometimes. I'd vowed never to get involved with a woman again. Some one was knocking at the door. I thought  it was Beth. She had tried to off herself the other night. I sat up with her all night. She was  starting to scream. My God, I thought,  sounds like she's gonna pound the door down.  I heard thunder outside. The wind was blowin something fierce! Gonna be one hell of a storm I thought.
     "Cut the crap, Beth!", I yelled through the door.
     "Bob, I gotta see ya. Please! I feel like shit."
     I stared right through the peep hole at her face. My God! She looked like one of those women that lived like an animal in the woods since childhood. What do they call those children? Feral children. Yea, I remembered, like in that movie with Jodie Foster. I had some education. I used to be a school teacher. But I never took it that seriously. When Sammy left, I got real depressed. They gave me an early retirement. Since then I had a phobia about working. I simply couldn't face people in a classroom, office, or anywhere else for that matter. Well back to Beth. I saw a wild look in her eyes. It was the same look I saw in that guys eyes that knifed me back in the merchant marines. I wasn't  lettin her in this room that's for sure. No tellin what she might do. 
     I watched her eyes like a hawk through the peep hole. They were blood streaked. I watched her for a few minutes. She just stood there pleading. "Please Bob, you can't leave me out here. I might kill myself if you don't let me in!"
    I stayed focused on her eyes. Her words just went in one ear and out the other. After a couple of minutes her eyes softened. I saw that warmth in them which had made me talk to her in the laundry room a couple of years ago. Man what I didn't know then! If I'd of known what a lunatic she was I wouldn't have come within ten feet of her. But she seemed sweet. She even looked alright. Not a beauty queen but nothing to turn your nose at.  I unlocked the deadbolt and slowly opened the door. She pushed the door with all her strength and came plunging in.  The first thing she did was fall on the sofa and throw off her slippers.
    I knelt beside her and stroked her wild hair. She trembled like a heroin addict gone cold turkey.  I looked into her eyes and saw real fear. She touched my face and whimpered,"Oh Bob, I need you so bad!"
    I said"I know baby. Baby, I know it's hard to face. But you gotta take your medicine. It don't mean your any worse than me or anyone else. But you need that. If you don't take it nobody can help you."
    She smiled. It looked strange to see such a distraught person laugh. She caressed my cheeks. She said,"Bob when are we gonna get married and settle down? You know you could go back to teaching. I could get a clerical job. We could make a go of it. We could make it you and me."
    I looked down at her with a sorrowful look. She screamed and her whole body tensed. She said,"Don't give me that look Bob!"
    I stroked her hair and then her face. She put her fingers to my lips and said,"SHHH, Bob, don't tell me we can't make it. Don't tell me that. I don't want to hear it! Nobody is going to take away my dreams. They're all I got left. You take that away from me and I'll fizzle and die."
    I just looked at her and said,"OK Beth.  I won't say anything. I gotta go get something to eat. It's late. You need some rest. You know I need my space. You sleep in the bedroom. I'll take the couch."
     Beth wept softly till 2:00 in the morning. I could hear her from the couch.  Man, I just didn't know what to do with her. She was getting to be a real liability. I lay on the couch watching a late night movie. They had Hitchcock's "The Birds." It took my mind off my problems. Everyone needs to do that. Fantasy is a necessity of life. Especially for people like me.  If I had to face cold hard reality every waking moment I'd be in the state Beth is in.
   Well finally the movie got to the gory climax. I shut it off and lay on the couch thinking all night. You'd think after this night with Beth, that's all I could think about. But naw, I reminisced about Sammy and the good times. I remembered our dating years and that trip out west. We camped  in the Rockies in late summer. I remember this one lake high up around Aspen. We'd lay out there in lawn chairs by the tent watching the wind blow across the lake. The air was so cool, I wish I could've brought some back to Louisiana.  Even though Sammy and I weren't touching, even though we were just sitting there quietly, I felt closer to her at that moment than I'd ever felt to another human being. But I had to remind myself that this was a sort of fantasy. Even though it really happened, now it was a fantasy. It was like one of those Greek myths. In the memory of the people who experienced the events, they took on a more magical than life quality. That's why it seemed with time all my memories became colored with that magical quality. The old times seemed to take on a glow. Sometimes it felt like those things never really happened. After she left me and all the hard feelings came, I couldn't imagine how I could have ever loved her. Ah well to hell with it. I day dreamed too much. I needed to focus on the here and now.
    Well there was this other human being in the bedroom to consider.  I did have feelings for her. Even though I considered her a liability, I cared.  It was just that I didn't know how to reach her. Sometimes I was afraid of her. Not so much that she'd physically hurt me or anything. Maybe I was  afraid that she'd  try to waken my sleeping emotions. I wanted my emotions to rest in peace. I'd had enough torment from them already. Like I said, I'm  a tired old man. I look a lot older than I am. I feel  a lot older than I am.  So what business did I have taking her in? Why should I be her care taker? Who appointed me? Certainly not God, because he and I weren't  on speaking terms.  I didn't think he'd presume to ask me to do anything for him. I used to pray all the time. But ever since my life had gone down the toilet I didn't ask God for anything. And I expected the same from him.
     Well the morning was coming. Oh man did I dread her waking up. What kind of a trip was she going to lay on me this time. She was  always talking that marriage crap. I thought she really must be crazy to think she could corner me into that trap! I would  no sooner have gotten married again than I would have cut off my fingers. So I wished she'd just forget about it. Every time she opened her mouth, the subject eventually came back to that. Maybe I should've  just moved out and not told anyone where I went, I thought. Sure she would've tried to track me down. But I'm pretty good at covering my tracks. I could've left town even. She wouldn't have  found  me in a million years.
     Well I could hear the bath tub faucet running. She must be getting freshened up, I thought. She can take two or three hours to get freshened up. Well, I might as well make us some breakfast, I thought.  I didn't have much food, but I wouldn't have felt right eating and not sharing it with her. As I said, I did care.  I went to the stove and fried up some eggs and bacon. Then I remembered she's Jewish and didn't eat pork. So I got double portions of bacon that morning. Thank you God for small favors, I thought. Whoops, I wasn't not supposed to be talking to you God. So just ignore that and go back to whatever you were doing.
     I had the spread laid out by the time she came out in my bathrobe.  She looked kinda cute  with her dimples and curly dark hair. She also looked like she'd chilled some. Well maybe it wouldn't be a bad morning after all.  She sat down and dove right into the eggs and grits. I watched her chew her food. She looked very contented. I felt happy just to see her back to normal, whatever that was for her.  I said,"Well good morning sweet heart. I can see that rest did you a world of good. You look brand new!"
    She smiled and took a sip of orange juice. She said,"Well honey, I took my lithium last night. I feel like a million bucks!"
    I looked up from the paper I was reading and said,"Well good for you!!!"
     I asked,"What made you decide to take it?"
     She said,"I did it for you. I knew we couldn't make it if I didn't" I felt the mouth of the trap closing around me again. This siren was so tempting. But I knew that was just another one of my fantasies, just like traveling to Europe or going back for my PHD. It wouldn't happen in a million years. Fantasies are so dangerous. I could end up married. She might drive me crazy. I might end up needing lithium with her hanging on me. All these worries came.
    I went back to reading my newspaper and she went back to eating. In the health and fitness section there was an article about how marriage improves a person's health. Married men live longer than bachelors. Just so much propaganda I thought.
     Beth got up and relined on the couch. One of her legs stuck out of her  robe and man did she look gorgeous. That beauty rest made her look like a queen. Even those lines in her face took on a beautiful quality. Even though she was about twenty pounds too heavy and had touches of grey  mixed in with her raven black hair she looked fantastic. I felt fear grip the pit of my stomach. Was I falling in love again? Couldn't be. I would never let that happen.
     I turned my eyes and looked at the television. It got kind of hypnotic looking at her laying on the couch. I could look all day. I  was already falling into a trance. I felt the warning signs. Maybe I was not quite in love, but I was certainly in the infatuation stage. If I could only pull out before it was too late.
    Beth looked at me from the couch. Those dark eyes seemed to radiate. I felt the pull of attraction. I walked over to her and sat on the floor beside her. I saw her foot dangling over the edge of the couch and reached out to grasp it. I began massaging the soles of her feet. She closed her eyes and smiled. My hand wandered up her calf and to her thigh.  She slipped off her robe. The rest was history.
     Afterward we lay in bed together. I watched her sleep. She had such a baby face laying there with her dimpled cheeks. She's was really cute. She got  up and we got dressed and went out.
    We went back to the restaurant I had been at the previous night. I ordered coffee. She ordered milk and danish. I still looked like a revolutionary guerilla from central America, with my unshaven face and shabby salvation army cloths.  Beth looked at me and asked,"Why don't you shave Bob? And why don't you get some decent cloths?"
    I held my coffee cup tensely. I said,"Baby what you see is what you get. I don't work. I don't go out to parties. What do I care what people think? It ain't like my job or anything else depends on it."
    Beth chewed on her danish. She said,"But honey don't you wanna look like somebody?  You act like you don't even care anymore. You wouldn't get those funny looks from people if you dressed half way decent."
    I said,"To hell with them. Half the time they ignore me anyway. I'm just myself. You can take me or leave me."
    Beth looked at me with her puppy dog eyes. She said,"Awww honey, I didn't mean to make you angry. I just care about you that's all."
    I said,"Well listen. Don't fall for me. I'm just a beaten up ole guy.  I don't have anything to offer you except some company once in a while.  And hey. Stop calling my honey for God's sake. I ain't your honey. I'm just a stranger you met in the laundry room who's good for a few meals every now and then, nothing more."
   Beth began weeping again. I asked,"Beth did you take your medicine this morning? Are you having another episode?"
    Beth said,"Oh you're such a pompous ass! You think any sign of emotion in me is part of my illness. Well let me tell you something mister, I'm just a human being. You are too. If you'd let yourself feel once in a while maybe the world would treat you better. You're always bitchin about the way the cashier treats you or the lady down the hall. Have you ever in your life considered that if you softened up a little people would be nicer to you?"
    I was flabbergasted. I looked at her and said,"Beth, I know what you're saying. I understand, really I do. But I'm too old to change. If I tried to change now, I'd end up more messed up than I already am. You gotta understand."
    Beth got up from the table. She said,"Oh I understand well enough. You're just afraid. A big tough man like you afraid of little ole me. Afraid, I might make you feel something. Well, mister, I don't need this crap. When you decide to let me into your heart give me a ring. I can do without your macho bullshit. You know something. You're really a wimp. You act all tough and self assured but deep down you're just a frightened little boy. It's time to grow up Bobby boy. Women aren't out to de-ball you. I'm not the weak one. You are!"
    She got up and huffed out of the restaurant. People were staring at me. I decided to split that joint pronto.  I paid the waitress and she looked down at me with a look of disgust. I looked down ashamed of the scene we'd made and skulked outta there in a hurry.
    I walked  to the park and sat down on the grass by the pond watching a little girl and her mother feeding the ducks. That little girl looked so carefree. I wished I could crawl into hole and stay there for a long time. I remembered feeding the ducks with my father back in the days of yore. That was a long time ago. The little girl looked over at me. I smiled at her. First time I'd smiled at anyone in a long time. She ran up to me laughing. I made a funny face and she laughed some more. Her mother called her and she ran back to her. I felt a little buzz. I couldn't explain why. After all I hadn't played with a kid, well since Sammy. I thought I didn't care about kids anymore. Sure I used to teach them. But that was just a job. Or so I thought. Actually now that I recall I did used to feel something for those kids I taught. I'd just forgotten.
    But no use dredging up old memories I thought.  And then there were Joey and Suzy, my son and daughter with Sammy. Suddenly I felt a flood of love for them. This feeling was so powerful I couldn't control it. I began weeping. I wondered if I was getting sick like Beth.  But it didn't entirely feel bad. In fact there was something comforting in these emotions coming from somewhere I couldn't place. The little girl and her mother had long since gone. So once again I was alone by the pond, with only the ducks to keep me company. I missed Beth. I wished she were here with me. But I figured I had blown it with her.  I had about as much chance of getting her back as I had of winning the lottery.  But even with the lottery someone has to win. So why didn't I  take a shot. After all it couldn't hurt trying.
    I walked down the city streets and saw some high school kids shooting hoops behind a fence. I walked into the basketball court asked one of them wearing a bandana if  I could shoot once.  He said,"Yea sure mister. Why not."
    I took the basketball from him and shot and missed. One of the kids threw the ball back to me. This time I shot it right through the hoop. I hadn't lost it completely. I could still shot a hoop from twenty feet. Not bad for an old worn out man I thought.  I handed the kid back the ball and he gave me a high five. I said,"Thanks man."  He said,"Anytime."
     I walked down by the drug store and went in and bought some razors and shaving cream. The cashier girl said,"You having a good day." 
     I said,"Couldn't be better. How about yourself?" 
     She said,"Oh it's goin alright. My cars in the shop, but nothing serious, just a bad spark plug. So I guess you could say life's treating me good."  
     I smiled said,"So when do you get your car back?" 
     She said,"Oh probably tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it. I'm taking my boyfriend out this weekend and need the car."  
     I smiled and said,"So you're taking him out. That's great. I bet your looking forward to that." 
     She said,"Oh yea, we're going to see that new Julia Roberts movie. Then we're going to dinner."  
     "Well that's sweet of him to take you to dinner. You two have a great time." She smiled and handed me the bag. 
      As I turned to go she said,"Thanks, bye."
      I hadn't been that friendly to a cashier in years. It felt refreshing. I felt like I had a new lease on life.  I walked down the street whistling. When I got back I knocked on Beth's door. No answer. Oh shit! Maybe I wouldn't get a second chance. Maybe she'd skipped out. My imagination went wild imagining what could have happened to her. But my good sense told me she was probably just out. I went back to my apartment and caught the five o'clock news. There were supposed to be some more storms heading our way. Big ones. I hoped Beth didn't get caught in one. When she was on one of her mood swings, she got lost sometimes. I've had to come get her out of stores with the manager pissed off because she was weirding out the customers. Seeing how she was at lunch there was no telling what condition she was in. I prayed to God. she wasn't freaking out somewhere, maybe in jail.  I thought, maybe the occasional prayer wouldn't hurt. After all I had a good day. Maybe God helped out even if I didn't thank him. Maybe I could cut a deal with God. If I started caring more maybe he'd cut me a little slack in the trials and tribulations department.  As they say God helps those who help themselves. Well, I'm not really very religious. Not even sure God exists. But sometimes I get a funny feeling someone is watching me even when I'm alone. Call it my guardian angel or whatever. Probably just my over active imagination. But who knows. I'll leave that to the philosophers.
    I watched Anne Bancroft in "The Miracle Worker."  Hadn't seen that one in years.  They don't make em like that anymore. I felt like an antique myself. But that wasn't entirely bad. After all antiques increase in value as they get older. So maybe I did have something to offer Beth. Maybe she didn't see me as an old wreck but as a fine old wine. That's the way I was beginning to feel about her. Even her baggy eyes looked cute, but her heart was more beautiful than a rainbow. I could still see the little girl in her when she smiled. Well now I was hooked on her. There was no going back.  Maybe what I thought of as a trap was really a door. I could see that now. But I was getting anxious. It was getting on midnight and she wasn't back. I'd knocked on her door dozens of times.  Usually I'd have at least gotten a call from the police to come get her by now.  Oh Jesus, maybe I've lost her for good this time, I thought. If only I would have accepted her offer long ago. Why couldn't I see the light? Was I an emotional deaf mute?
     Suddenly I heard a knock on the door. I looked through the peep hole and saw Beth standing there in her night gown. I opened the door. I said,"Christ, where have you been. I was worried sick. I was about to report you missing to the police."
     Beth said,"Oh I was home all the time. I just wanted to see how persistent you'd be. I expected you'd give up after an hour or so. But you proved me wrong. So what's the deal? I thought we'd said everything that needed to be said earlier?  Why'd you come knocking on my door?"
      I said,"Please come on in. Sit down. I've got to tell you something."
      Beth relined on the couch in her usual position. She brushed the hair out of her eyes and yawned.  I said,"Beth, baby, when you walked out of that restaurant, I felt like I'd been punched in the gut."
   Beth squinted at me and wrinkled her brow. I went on,"Beth, I'm not good with words. But what I'm trying to say is I'm lost without you. All this time I thought I was supporting you. But in reality I need you just as much as you need me. Every time you come knocking on my door my heart beats a mile a minute. I never understood why until now. It's because I love you baby. I thought I didn't need your love, but it's plain to see I do. When I couldn't find you tonight I panicked. I thought I'd lost you forever. But you came back, you always do. Even when you go into one of your episodes you always come back.  It don't matter if you're Jewish and I'm Gentile. It don't matter if I'm old and worn out. We need to set up shop together."
     Beth said,"You mean for life."
     I knelt beside her and took her hand. I said,"You better believe it."
     Beth said,"Bob, you're such a romantic. Now if I can only get you to wash dishes for me and cook."
      I said,"Oh baby, it'll come with time."  She looked at me like she knew better. We kissed. It was sweeter than a lollipop. 
     The years unfolded in a surreal procession. Dreams and hurts came and went like the hurricanes which ravaged our city.  Faces long familiar were forgotten. The Ghosts of my former life still haunted me. But as seasons passed, memories which used to be laced with pain, became faded and  even pleasant.  Beth lived many years and we weathered many ups and downs. 
   Once Beth asked me,"How do you put up with me being so crazy all the time?"
   I volleyed,"I'm not the sanest person either. How do you put up with a nutty old guy like me?"
   Beth said,"I've thought about trading you in for a newer model, but then I figure they don't make them like they used too." Beth always was a joker.  I sure could use one of her one liners right now.  Sometimes at night,  I remember the last time we made love. Then I feel a physical craving for her which hurts so bad tears flow.  Man, I'd give anything to feel her warm body against me in bed.  Sometimes I take out one of her  dresses and rub the fabric against my skin at night. I never washed them after she died. I could swear I can still smell her scent in the fabric. Her picture is yellowed and frayed around the edges. You can see the spark of gumption in her eyes. My girl had moxie.  I pick it up off the night stand and kiss it.  "Goodbye love." I'm not a religious man but somehow I know we'll meet again.

Grandpa
     Before dawn we would set out in the old truck pulling the boat. Our conversations were hushed in the still morning quiet. The rumble of the engine and grandpa’s soft voice would lull me into a sense of security. His presence in my life was like a continuous note in a fugue. It was so reassuring to know he was there. Now that he is gone the note still plays strong in my memory. His voice is as vivid as it was when he taught me how to paint houses as a child. 
     When my paternal grandmother died, he took me to the woods with our dog. We walked through the autumn leaves quietly and I felt his consoling presence as I had on so many occasions before.  My fondest memories are of the times he took me fishing as a boy and young man. We usually arrived at the waters edge at dawn. We traveled the bayous and lakes with the wind and sun upon us. When he found the right place, we’d tie the boat up and sit for hours waiting for a bite. Though we spoke little during theses times, there was camaraderie between us. He gave me a gift, which at the time I didn’t realize I’d treasure years later.
     As a young man I returned to my grandparents after an illness. They took me in and we picked up where we left off without missing a beat. I labored many hours in the large garden he cultivated in the back yard. In his seventies he tilled the garden. On summer evenings we would sit in the backyard snapping beans. It was a sort of relaxed way of life, which most children in the city don’t know. I’ll always remember those times though I may never experience them again. 
     More than cultivating a garden my grandfather cultivated himself, my mother, my aunt and me. His labors bore fruit. Through tough but loving care he protected me from the dangers lurking in the wider world. He provided a safe place to grow and develop. He couldn’t save us from all the perils of the world. He and I argued vociferously about politics and economics. However, he never rejected or loved me less for my outspoken opposition to his beliefs. Granddad’s spirit lives on in the plot he cultivated. Our lives bear his indelible workmanship. 
     A week before he passed on I visited him. As I approached he was groggy. Upon seeing me he excitedly grabbed me in a hug. He held me there for several moments with the same old strength he’d always had. He was weeping. Then he said,” Take care of grandma.” I held his hand and he squeezed mine in a tight grip till he fell asleep and his hand relaxed. The gardener has finished his job.
                      


Eden Found                                          

     The sights and sounds of a forest are delicious to senses at anytime of the day but especially during the morning. This is the time when, after a cold night, dew drops hang like tiny pearls on the green swards of grass. Fishing is best then for fish or thoughts. Each morning we are born anew to a new day. Each day we have a chance to make right that which we have done wrong. 
     The forest is a place where we can remove ourselves from the correspondence with people which is sometimes, we must confess, wearisome. To those of a sensitive nature the forest is a place of refuge from an insensitive world. The denizen, flora and fauna, of the forest hold no malice toward anyone. They live out their lives according to rhythms established before the dawn of humankind. The forest is a place where we can correspond with our ancient selves. We are still hunter-gathers, but we are endowed with faculties to hunt after bigger game. Now we can hunt after questions such as where we came from. Scientists say we are a young species, going back a few million years. 
     Compared to the field horse tail, which inhabited the primeval swamps, we are young. 
We have just recently thrown off our old hunter-gatherer lifestyle and acquired civilization. To get away from civilization and appreciate the flowers and birds of spring is like going home. 
The fragile eco-system of the forest is a place for us to find lost serenity. The common saying, 
,"take time to smell the flowers", can be done literally in the forest. Children know the value of a forest. It is a place to swim in a creek, build a tree house, pick blackberries or taste honeysuckle. 
In Mississippi, as in the rest of the planet, much of the wilderness has been lost to urban sprawl. Now we have a smaller and therefore more valuable refuge from mechanized society. 
In the area I grew up in, Natchez, Mississippi, the Natchez Trace is a place where nature's spectacle is most uninterrupted by the world of concrete and steel. There, at the Cole's Creek picnic grounds, one can stand on a softly sloping cliff watching a silver stream stretching off in the distance between yellow sandy shores. When you holler from atop the cliff, the sound echoes across the bluffs. 
 
     Swimming is forbidden there at Cole's Creek, but fishing is permitted, even though the angling isn't that good. Angling for sublime thoughts is very good there. One can catch a full load of these among pine trees towering heavenward and in the open picnic area where a soft breeze blows cooling one on a hot spring or summer day. The forest is a place to seek solitude. We can contemplate our lives from a place where we are not in the thick of things. 
     The reason most people go fishing is primarily to find peace of mind. It is a way to escape a seemingly soulless concrete world fraught with anxiety in our pursuit of "Happiness". Happiness can be found quickly after a short jaunt in the open air. We are having a petroleum shortage, but this is not as serious as the shortage of fresh air. Many of our cities around the world are choked with smog. We can develop alternative sources of energy, but fresh forest air is only found among the trees and flowers. 
     We have lost the star fields to harsh city lights whose unnatural glow blots out the constellations. Standing atop a fire tower during the winter the sky is a show that has been in the making for billions of years. 
     Shooting stars are transitory red streaks in the distant velvet black. When the moon is up, we are reminded that not every planet is as lush with life, as our own verdant orb. We see distant stars and galaxies and wonder if elsewhere there are intelligences contemplating our own sun. 
     These are days when real wilderness is a dwindling and precious resource. In Natchez, Mississippi there is the Grand Village of the Natchez Indians and its nature trails. There grassy mounds are all that remains of a world which has vanished like the wind. Below the mounds lies the creek where in the Pre-Columbian morning the Natchez Indians bathed. The tan bluffs looming above the creek take on a reddish hue in the late afternoon and are reminiscent of a western canyon where solitude is plentiful. Peaceful thoughts tend to flock like Robins in this Cathedral of clay and water. Here we can find ourselves, gazing at the shimmering water as it ripples across sand. 
     During a quiet afternoon by St. Catherine's creek, one can clear one's mind of thoughts and worries. In quiet places such as a city park, or a forest, we find a sanctuary, however fleeting, where we look back in retrospect over our day and life, finding that may of our problems may not be as important as they seemed. Freed from the impinging world of cities and struggle we can allow our minds to become supple and flexible. The patterns of our life become visible, and we see through the crystal looking glass of mind into the heart of mystery. Our hungers, fears, and ambitions fade for a time. When we return to the world of struggle, we can see more clearly what is truly important. Let us go to the forest to be anglers sinking our line into the flowing spring from whence mind is born. 
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